Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Lately, I've been reading blog spaces, whether by a friend (Abbie), an intelligent host (Bianca Gonzales), and by some random people that just pop out of nowhere through search engines. Their shared thoughts, experiences, point-of-views and interests really inspires me to be more creative and to write more blog entries.

Words are really powerful. They can influence us to be more positive and help us to strive for our own dreams. If only I could read all the blogs in the world...hehehehe. If only I could accomplish all these dreams...I want to take more pictures. I want to travel. I want to finish my scripts. I want to learn a new language: French & Spanish. I want to paint. I want to help everybody. I want to be useful. I want to meet my idols. I want to sing everyday and master the art of playing the guitar. I want to learn to play the violin. I want to write a song. I want to become a filmmaker. I want to join a greenpeace boat. I want to sky-dive and bungee jump. I want to be more accepting because I know there's no such thing as satisfaction. I want my horizons to broaden up a little more. etcetera...

Never stop your desires. Always try your best even if the circumstance seems to go against you. What are you waiting for? Now is your time to move forward! Now is your time to CREATE.

What about you, what dreams would you like to accomplished someday? Please feel free to share your thoughts. Merci!


I don't mind if nobody tell me their secrets. So what!!!
Would that information be a life altering experience for me to begin with? Would it make me a better person? Would it change my quality of life? I don't think so.
Actually, I prefer not to be confided with highly confidential secrets. When you were ask by a friend to keep one he or she is holding you responsible if the information leaks out one way or another. There is too much burden imposed on a person when you keep someone else's secrets. That's why it makes me wonder, are they really concerned about their friends to let them bear their own load? Because we know, they know -- a secret would always be out in the open -- and it's human nature to scratch for the itch. When you give someone your secret it becomes a burden to that person and the natural tendency for him or her is to confide it to someone just to lessen the weight he or she is carrying.
What I hate the most is when someone talks about something, but they would never tell you what it is and instead they would say, "it's a secret!" Screw you! I really hate it when they let you know there's a secret, but they refuse to give you the detail or the key to unlock it. In that case, then they shouldn't mention it in the first place because it's also the same with saying: "I cannot trust you, you're a blabber." So, if you're not interested to tell someone your secret then it's better if you don't say anything or if you just shut your mouth and keep it to yourself. That way, everybody's calm, peaceful and happy.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Over the Rainbow

As they say, as long as there is life there is hope. God has an odd way of testing our faith and making us a better person. Through our tribulations or trials, that can be so difficult at times or most of the time, that's where we learn and become better. It would taught us to be more stronger and wiser in our future decisions. Sometimes, we want to give up by ending our happens to all. But taking our life doesn't end a thing but only suspends the pain for a very short while. I often times complain about my life...feeling everything has gone awry, but then again, I felt guilty for complaining because in a way, I'm still blessed despite of my misfortunes. I can see, I can talk, I can hear and I can walk and most of all I have the power of reason because I'm not mentally challenged. Maybe, I'm not the greatest human invention. Maybe, I'll never be special. But what's the use of complaining when at the end of the day, there is nothing to gain, only pain, suffering and hatred. The least I could do is to make use of the time that has been given to me. If fate is still against me, at least I'm confident with the knowing that I stand up to what I believe in and I kept on fighting for what I want. Don't give up...there will be a greater plan for you. Don't just moan something. Don't ever wait for reward to happen or to be given because the more you wait for it the more it evade, thus making you more miserable.

May the force be with you!!!

Carpe Diem.

Monday, June 4, 2007

The Flight

Here is my life...
Even after what you’ve done
I want you to know I'll be alright
Rest assure, I wouldn’t bother you anymore
The pain you caused me
I’ve learn not to get near you once more

You’re the kind of man
Who can make the girls weak at the knees
I’m one of those girls
Hoping you’ll see the real me
But you fail miserably at that
Behind your gentle veneer
Lies a cruel heart

I know we’ll never speak again
You placed more distance between us
And the hurt you inflicted is beyond repair
I’ll never go back to what might have been
The pain weighs heavier now
Than the love I used to f

I have mended
And so it ended
Free from you
To love myself more
So rest assure, I won’t be at your beck and call

Friday, June 1, 2007

Movie Quote: American Psycho

There are no more barriers to cross
All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane,
the vicious and the evil
all the mayhem I have caused
and my utter indifference toward it,
I have now surpassed.
My pain is constant and sharp…
            And I do not hope for a better world for anyone.
In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others.
I want no one to escape.
But even after admitting this,
            there is no catharsis
My punishment continues to elude me…
            And I gain no deeper knowledge of myself.
No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling.
This confession has meant…
From the novel by Bret Easton Ellis and the movie "American Psycho"

Friday, May 18, 2007


  1. Long Travel 
  2. Riding in the train and bus
  3. Coming home late and staying up all night until dawn
  4. Walking (except when I'm headed to work)
  5. Great concern for the environment, compassion for animals, and interest for social causes.
  6. Hopping around at the many erected buildings found in the bustling cities of Makati and Alabang, and exploring the historical edifices inside and outside of Manila.
  7. Rain showers or rainy season (except for the frogs and enclosed jeeps that suffocates me to death)
  8. Hang out at the park where I have tos it at the rich grasses, without a care in the world.
  9. Dipping myself in the pool, falls or the beach. As long as the water and temperature is cold.
  10. Learning and admiring beautiful and famous people and finding inspiration from them.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007


Have you ever been a witness to God's divine intervention? I could say "yes" with an exclamation point. I have a friend who married her first love. Her name is Pam. She and her boyfriend (now husband) Jay-R were separated for a very long time, but somehow, fate manages to bring them back together for the second time. That's what I called true "destiny." They must have done something good to deserve such good karma. Sabi nga, love knows no time and boundaries. Kaya kahit you've been apart for too long you're love for each other withstands the past and bridge it to your present.

What amazes me is that I was able to see the purpose behind God's will through their love story. Distance enabled them to grow as mature individuals, and discovered what they strongly needed in their lives. They were separated by God to be prepared for the right time their love has reach its full bloom. Past relationships made them better and keener to the challenges that life has to offer. And it also allowed them to see the importance of one another. Knowledge to distinguish that he/she is finally the right "one."

Most recently, God bestowed Pam & Jay-R another blessing by the birth of their daughter Astrid - the fruit of their love.

I hope the same luck and happiness for everyone searching and hoping for true love. It is rare nowadays, but amidst of the turbulent changes and chaos happening all over the world I'm sure there is a silver lining at the end of the road for every one. Kumbaga nga, "love moves in mysterious ways," so just hold and be patient.

Monday, May 7, 2007

...and yet another dyornal entry for May 04, 2007

My first day as a French lingo student started officialy last evening around 2300.

"Le cours debutante," or the beginner's level is my current status. Honestly, it is pointless to measure my proficiency at the moment for I have no clue about the language, except for the greetings bonjour, and je vais bien. It went well, but completely frustrating.

The first lesson I studied was the "pouvoir et vouloir." The site has a corresponding audio book, too. While I read the page a guide teaches me about the correct pronunciation. It's neat, but I needed something more elementary.

Learning a foreign language is quite difficult. You will need plenty of patience here and I'm trying to teach myself that I have to focus on this if I really wanted to speak fluent Francais.

I also began to learn their alphabet and its proper pronunciation. Come after are the hellos, and greetings, introductions, goodbye's, and courtesy. Since, I'm a newcomer my goal is to swallow and digest hard what I have learn before moving to another level. You know, slowly but kind of surely. I used to take things as fast as I could. No doubt, I don't have long lasting success in them.

SEGURO (Dyornal Entry for May 04, 2007)

Just received a letter from my insurance plan. Published from the official publication of Berkley/Family First newsletter that effective on 19 March 2007 Danvil Holdings, Inc. acquired Berkley Plans/Berkley Life and Family First in management buy out. Which means, the company is no longer a multinational company that can assured us plan holders of future financial security and stability, and it's names, trademarks, and logos will be changed within the next forty-five days.

WR Berkley Corporation provide a very strong billion dollar backing since it is foreign, and without this as a mother company I highly doubt Danvil's financial strength and expertise to remain unchanged because pre-need companies here in the Philippines experience problems as regard to their hard time looking for financial back-up.

What attracts me to invest in their insurance programs is its being multinational and it was in the Top 1000 Corporations in the country.

Is this another NFI? This abrupt change in ownership scares me. Since it becomes a new entity of a local propriety I can fathom it would be just like any other life insurance and preneed business - that shrink down and lost their major trust funds that leads to their inability to refund every single cent expected by their plan holders.

I swear, I'll never join in any club that would have me as a member. I'm bad luck!

Doing Just Fine (Journal Entry for May 3, 2007)

This three-in the morning I've finally found the perfect French language web site. To learn this language is my number one goal this year. If I'm not articulate enough, at least I know I did my best, and I try.

Perhaps you wonder about my fascination with the French. This is not just a phase or a short-lived affair. It actually started at grade school when I saw the animation of Frances Hodgson Burnett novel The Little Princess on TV, dubbed in Tagalog.

Sara Crew on her first day of school in New York was forced by her teacher (Ms. Minchin) to take French lessons. She refused to attend for two reasons: she's half-French and is already fluent in that language. To convince everyone she surprised them by demonstrating how eloquent she is with the lingo. It caused jealousy over her classmates, stir anger to the ferocious Ms. Minchin, and grew admiration among the unaffected rest.

My fondness for French broaden after reading Hodgson Burnett's book itself, and watching Warner Bros. own film adaptation of the latter.

When I was in high school Gustave Flaubert became my French icon. He was the first French writer I liked, and the first writer I really took seriously of knowing. Madame Bovary was my first favorite classic novel. Ever since, I have wanted to adapt this book for the screen if I become a director or scriptwriter someday. But right now, everything is tough luck. Rather than loafing my time on mundane things pursuing my number one goal is not a bad idea for a head start. So what, if it's the second quarter of the year already? Better late than never!

If given a chance, I hope in the next one or two years I'm living in Montmartre. There is more to France than seeing the Eiffel tower (I mean really standing there), or lavishing on the fashion centred city of Paris and drinking wine. There is the culture; the talented no nonsense talented people with their passionate outlook of life. Enjoying every single meal, may there be hundreds of carbs on it. Sipping the best coffee in town while sharing conversations. And their extreme devotion to the arts - all proud and freedom loving. I would feel really 'blessed' if I have the chance to live there.

Film Directors and their films captured my soul (Jean Pierre Jeunet rules!!!). Even English films that were shot in France (i.e. French Kiss, Le Divorce, Marie Antoinette, Before Sunset [especially these two]) or French theme movies like Moulin Rouge strike me straight in the heart. It is true love, similar to what I have for my home country. Guys, I love the Philippines, but I want to explore the world, too. Just like you, I don't deserve to live my life in a gilded cage. As long as we're alive we must be free to go to all the places we want to go. Not only it's a wonderful experience, but also, it lessen the evil that is trying to possess us. Bad mood, irritability, and cynical meandering are the result of imprisonment, and inability to actualized one's dreams.

Maybe, what I'm trying to become is a bohemian bum under the bridge of a European city.

By the way, Jessica Zafra suggested that a handy notebook help tremendously for writing a manuscript. Some were not able because they write their ideas on little sheets of paper, like on receipts or napkins. I do that most of the time, and now I see why I can't get things done. I bought this notebook for the same reason and for my incoming French lessons on the Internet starting tonight. Good luck to me!

Did I tell you I have a language learning disorder? No, not dyslexia. I don't have a name for it - just language learning disorder. I have a hard time learning new words, recalling/comprehending what I just read, and also writing.

Even with that, I'm hoping for the best. Keira Knightley conquered dyslexia. She did not let it thwart her dreams, but where she suffered the most difficulty and her passion for acting served as a driving force for her to overcome her problem. I have to remind myself everyday (or every minute/seconds of the day) that constant learning, dedication, tenacity, patience & practice kills what's improbable!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Deus Vult! (God Wills It!)

Kung totoo ang kasabihang, "kapag ukol ay bubukol." Maybe, evil is not a choice, but an act of fate. If the concept of destiny is real, then, our offenses are part of God's majestic plan. Which means, God therefore creates evil in order for the events we had witness, may it be good or bad, to transpire. Before you indict me of blasphemy or atheism I want to clear things first that I am not questioning God's divinity. In fact, I do believe that our questions strengthen our spiritual relationship with Him.

Religion is the existing link between man and his God; it's the institute that receives the most scrutiny out of religious fanatics and spectators. It is a subject so sensitive that when discussed results to bloodshed among its devoted followers of diverse nations through centuries. To avoid argument over your peers and acquaintances don't bring religion in the table during conversations - you'll never know what might hit you.

As a free-spirited believer of the Catholic doctrine, God to me in many ways is our desired ultimate best friend, soul mate, and perhaps, lover. Your boyfriend or husband might give you the shiver each time he kisses you on the lips or hold your hand while you walk together in the pavements. He can also stimulate your sexual appetite, and show you the heavens when you're deep in ecstasy. But somehow, there is always something missing. You've tried to find it in relationships, sex, drugs, and luxury. It makes you happy, makes you run for more, but when you fall short it disappears out of the blue. When I listen to songs about genuine love I interpret it as referring to "God." I could not sing the same song to a man, for their endurance remains unsure.

In college, I have romanticized the phrase: "I don't need a reason to be angry with God" from the movie A Walk to Remember. Positive thinking was more prevalent to me those days. I find it easier to believe in him when he works wonders in my life. And surely, college was the moment I had reaped God's miracles in my own hands. Our faith is so strong only when he acts like Santa Claus. (At least, I'm not being a hypocrite here). It's true that we believe in God more when we see how "blessed" we really were, and if we compared our plight to the impoverished, hungry, and disabled. Most of the time I feel guilty for all the blessings I receive and for complaining a lot when I get hurt a little.

God doesn't deserve to be mistreated, but I can't help blaming him for what went awry, especially when I'm enraged by the moment and overwhelmed by my emotions. But then later, after I was pacified, I would also realized that what I've done is terribly wrong. That it was I who make mistakes, and yet it looks like I crucified Him to absolve me from my sins. Maybe we go to that extreme because we were afraid of not having control of our destiny. More or less, it's actually defense mechanism. We refuse to accept the reality of nature that although we make our decisions, God is still the architect or the master planner of our fate, and there are things that is beyond our control, even if we assume that we had this world under our cover.

As written in the letter to the Ephesians 4:26-27: "Be angry but do not sin, do not let the sun set on your anger, and do not leave room for the devil." Anger is inevitable, a humanly impulse, an instant reaction that occurs when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulder. Be glad of your load, though it may trigger your anger, it still taught you to be better. It makes you stronger, thicker and wiser. When you're angry embrace it, but do not forget to kiss it goodbye before the day ends so the devil that surrounds it cannot consume you.

In an odd way we unravel the personal Jesus in us by our sacrifices to carry out the work that God gave us to do. Jesus is a man, nevertheless, he is made of flesh and bone, but his selfless act made him a holy man.

This reminds me of a verse from the book of John. The Lord says: "I came down from heaven not to do my own will but the will of the one who sent me." Which is appropriate, even for us. Our actions and decisions were meant for the accomplishment of God's greater will whatever it may be. Do you think the victims of tragic incidents, (like that of Virginia Tech) died for no reason? I do believe their death has some significance. Maybe the true purpose of things cannot be seen today. But I know, in the near future its essence will be revealed. Miracles happen. When, and where, or how? I don't know. It's a mystery. Life is full of ambiguous paradoxes, and so is God.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Be Yourself

"Human Beings can adjust to their new situation, and to a whole new environment. Let us unleash our need to travel the world in to actuality.Life is meant for living. Our soul is restless. Boundaries should be broken. We are meant for greater things - we are big fishes."

Only A Fool (Journal Entry April 11, 2007)

A call center company has called me again just this afternoon. And yes, I turn it down. Same with the job offer I got from (confidential, sorry!!!). HE must be getting f**cking angry with me for what I'm doing. I prayed to him to give me a better job, he responded, presented me a couple of opportunities, but I ran away from them instead. I know, with my attitude I'll woke up one day realizing it's too late, and I won't be receiving any more offers. That would be awful. HE is a fucking genius for giving me these jobs when I'm totally incapable of rational thinking, and were so flat-out fucked, and for neglecting me when I'm desperately in need of one.

You're right, I don't have to throw the blame to Him. I'm just stupid and a coward. Never was a risk taker. When it's a win-lose situation I just don't have the nerve to jump at the chance. Everything is a test. What He wants from me is to resign from my current job to grab the other one, and then when it's done I'll find myself unemployed because the fucking company doesn't see any reason to hire me. Yes this is a test. How many of my self-esteem should I give away to the world and leave none to myself?

With this behavior I'll probably wind up a miserable old fool. Losers are fools who are scared of failing that they don't even try. That's exactly who I am.

My apologies, if I were a walking disappointment. I never wanted to. I tried so hard, but I just don't have that much in me. I'm just posing as a talented person in order to convince this world I have all the potential to succeed.

Maybe you were raising your eyebrows, and opposing to my statements, that's your prerogative. You speak away, "Why do we have to read this? There is too much negativity/fallacy surrounding her." But the question is: do you think I enjoy as much being like this? Think again. I know my situation is not that worst compared to others and they have problems that are worst than mine. I acknowledge that. Yes, I complain, but I don't play pity party around people. I believe it's my right to get everything out of my chest. You can shut your mouth before you toss me one of your mean judgments because you don't know anything about me, or you don't know how it feels being me. Everybody is just good at standing still, and looking pretty when they are not in the situation.

This world is a beautiful place. But I don't think it's worth fighting for!

Friday, April 6, 2007


To all those I shared the bitchin' and moanin' days with.
To all the late night drinking sessions I had never dare to drink (which is, all the time).
To all the moments I became a jukebox player.
To all the days of mischief; when the fire alarm went and we have to escape at the back exit of Waltermart, and I couldn't jump at the wall.
To all the humiliation, plan and unplanned.
To all those who left me to cope on my own.
To all those whom I walk the line with between insanity and sanity.
And to the distance that separates us for better or for worst.
"Carpe Diem" 
Life is too short not to

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