Thursday, April 26, 2007

Deus Vult! (God Wills It!)

Kung totoo ang kasabihang, "kapag ukol ay bubukol." Maybe, evil is not a choice, but an act of fate. If the concept of destiny is real, then, our offenses are part of God's majestic plan. Which means, God therefore creates evil in order for the events we had witness, may it be good or bad, to transpire. Before you indict me of blasphemy or atheism I want to clear things first that I am not questioning God's divinity. In fact, I do believe that our questions strengthen our spiritual relationship with Him.

Religion is the existing link between man and his God; it's the institute that receives the most scrutiny out of religious fanatics and spectators. It is a subject so sensitive that when discussed results to bloodshed among its devoted followers of diverse nations through centuries. To avoid argument over your peers and acquaintances don't bring religion in the table during conversations - you'll never know what might hit you.

As a free-spirited believer of the Catholic doctrine, God to me in many ways is our desired ultimate best friend, soul mate, and perhaps, lover. Your boyfriend or husband might give you the shiver each time he kisses you on the lips or hold your hand while you walk together in the pavements. He can also stimulate your sexual appetite, and show you the heavens when you're deep in ecstasy. But somehow, there is always something missing. You've tried to find it in relationships, sex, drugs, and luxury. It makes you happy, makes you run for more, but when you fall short it disappears out of the blue. When I listen to songs about genuine love I interpret it as referring to "God." I could not sing the same song to a man, for their endurance remains unsure.

In college, I have romanticized the phrase: "I don't need a reason to be angry with God" from the movie A Walk to Remember. Positive thinking was more prevalent to me those days. I find it easier to believe in him when he works wonders in my life. And surely, college was the moment I had reaped God's miracles in my own hands. Our faith is so strong only when he acts like Santa Claus. (At least, I'm not being a hypocrite here). It's true that we believe in God more when we see how "blessed" we really were, and if we compared our plight to the impoverished, hungry, and disabled. Most of the time I feel guilty for all the blessings I receive and for complaining a lot when I get hurt a little.

God doesn't deserve to be mistreated, but I can't help blaming him for what went awry, especially when I'm enraged by the moment and overwhelmed by my emotions. But then later, after I was pacified, I would also realized that what I've done is terribly wrong. That it was I who make mistakes, and yet it looks like I crucified Him to absolve me from my sins. Maybe we go to that extreme because we were afraid of not having control of our destiny. More or less, it's actually defense mechanism. We refuse to accept the reality of nature that although we make our decisions, God is still the architect or the master planner of our fate, and there are things that is beyond our control, even if we assume that we had this world under our cover.

As written in the letter to the Ephesians 4:26-27: "Be angry but do not sin, do not let the sun set on your anger, and do not leave room for the devil." Anger is inevitable, a humanly impulse, an instant reaction that occurs when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulder. Be glad of your load, though it may trigger your anger, it still taught you to be better. It makes you stronger, thicker and wiser. When you're angry embrace it, but do not forget to kiss it goodbye before the day ends so the devil that surrounds it cannot consume you.

In an odd way we unravel the personal Jesus in us by our sacrifices to carry out the work that God gave us to do. Jesus is a man, nevertheless, he is made of flesh and bone, but his selfless act made him a holy man.

This reminds me of a verse from the book of John. The Lord says: "I came down from heaven not to do my own will but the will of the one who sent me." Which is appropriate, even for us. Our actions and decisions were meant for the accomplishment of God's greater will whatever it may be. Do you think the victims of tragic incidents, (like that of Virginia Tech) died for no reason? I do believe their death has some significance. Maybe the true purpose of things cannot be seen today. But I know, in the near future its essence will be revealed. Miracles happen. When, and where, or how? I don't know. It's a mystery. Life is full of ambiguous paradoxes, and so is God.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Be Yourself

"Human Beings can adjust to their new situation, and to a whole new environment. Let us unleash our need to travel the world in to actuality.Life is meant for living. Our soul is restless. Boundaries should be broken. We are meant for greater things - we are big fishes."

Only A Fool (Journal Entry April 11, 2007)

A call center company has called me again just this afternoon. And yes, I turn it down. Same with the job offer I got from (confidential, sorry!!!). HE must be getting f**cking angry with me for what I'm doing. I prayed to him to give me a better job, he responded, presented me a couple of opportunities, but I ran away from them instead. I know, with my attitude I'll woke up one day realizing it's too late, and I won't be receiving any more offers. That would be awful. HE is a fucking genius for giving me these jobs when I'm totally incapable of rational thinking, and were so flat-out fucked, and for neglecting me when I'm desperately in need of one.

You're right, I don't have to throw the blame to Him. I'm just stupid and a coward. Never was a risk taker. When it's a win-lose situation I just don't have the nerve to jump at the chance. Everything is a test. What He wants from me is to resign from my current job to grab the other one, and then when it's done I'll find myself unemployed because the fucking company doesn't see any reason to hire me. Yes this is a test. How many of my self-esteem should I give away to the world and leave none to myself?

With this behavior I'll probably wind up a miserable old fool. Losers are fools who are scared of failing that they don't even try. That's exactly who I am.

My apologies, if I were a walking disappointment. I never wanted to. I tried so hard, but I just don't have that much in me. I'm just posing as a talented person in order to convince this world I have all the potential to succeed.

Maybe you were raising your eyebrows, and opposing to my statements, that's your prerogative. You speak away, "Why do we have to read this? There is too much negativity/fallacy surrounding her." But the question is: do you think I enjoy as much being like this? Think again. I know my situation is not that worst compared to others and they have problems that are worst than mine. I acknowledge that. Yes, I complain, but I don't play pity party around people. I believe it's my right to get everything out of my chest. You can shut your mouth before you toss me one of your mean judgments because you don't know anything about me, or you don't know how it feels being me. Everybody is just good at standing still, and looking pretty when they are not in the situation.

This world is a beautiful place. But I don't think it's worth fighting for!

Friday, April 6, 2007


To all those I shared the bitchin' and moanin' days with.
To all the late night drinking sessions I had never dare to drink (which is, all the time).
To all the moments I became a jukebox player.
To all the days of mischief; when the fire alarm went and we have to escape at the back exit of Waltermart, and I couldn't jump at the wall.
To all the humiliation, plan and unplanned.
To all those who left me to cope on my own.
To all those whom I walk the line with between insanity and sanity.
And to the distance that separates us for better or for worst.
"Carpe Diem" 
Life is too short not to

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