Saturday, April 14, 2007

Only A Fool (Journal Entry April 11, 2007)

A call center company has called me again just this afternoon. And yes, I turn it down. Same with the job offer I got from (confidential, sorry!!!). HE must be getting f**cking angry with me for what I'm doing. I prayed to him to give me a better job, he responded, presented me a couple of opportunities, but I ran away from them instead. I know, with my attitude I'll woke up one day realizing it's too late, and I won't be receiving any more offers. That would be awful. HE is a fucking genius for giving me these jobs when I'm totally incapable of rational thinking, and were so flat-out fucked, and for neglecting me when I'm desperately in need of one.

You're right, I don't have to throw the blame to Him. I'm just stupid and a coward. Never was a risk taker. When it's a win-lose situation I just don't have the nerve to jump at the chance. Everything is a test. What He wants from me is to resign from my current job to grab the other one, and then when it's done I'll find myself unemployed because the fucking company doesn't see any reason to hire me. Yes this is a test. How many of my self-esteem should I give away to the world and leave none to myself?

With this behavior I'll probably wind up a miserable old fool. Losers are fools who are scared of failing that they don't even try. That's exactly who I am.

My apologies, if I were a walking disappointment. I never wanted to. I tried so hard, but I just don't have that much in me. I'm just posing as a talented person in order to convince this world I have all the potential to succeed.

Maybe you were raising your eyebrows, and opposing to my statements, that's your prerogative. You speak away, "Why do we have to read this? There is too much negativity/fallacy surrounding her." But the question is: do you think I enjoy as much being like this? Think again. I know my situation is not that worst compared to others and they have problems that are worst than mine. I acknowledge that. Yes, I complain, but I don't play pity party around people. I believe it's my right to get everything out of my chest. You can shut your mouth before you toss me one of your mean judgments because you don't know anything about me, or you don't know how it feels being me. Everybody is just good at standing still, and looking pretty when they are not in the situation.

This world is a beautiful place. But I don't think it's worth fighting for!

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