Wednesday, April 8, 2009
What was happening to me is fated. If it is a question between remaining on this team or resignation, then I'll take the latter. Because I'll go mad (or will be driving myself into the brink of insanity) if I stayed there. All the signs and episodes of a major depressive has been manifesting in me already. If I continue working there I'll be locked in the shelter in no time. Just imagine, I've been crying and having emotional upheavals for over a week now. I haven't been this frequently depresed as compared to my earlier years.
Though some of my colleagues were saying that our boss was trying to fish me out from the puddle, I couldn't see the light or hope for it ever becoming feasible. Especially when there are mean, degrading people that has been hampering my movement since day one. Gosh! To fool myself that I'll be getting a free and easy exit pass from this team is wishful thinking. I could already fathom my boss apologizing to me, or my colleagues avoiding my text messages or saying sorry about me not getting the permission to transfer.
First of all, I'm just being logical here. They were already going through the training. How else could I catch up with that? Writing this entry is only a way to console myself in regards to that drastic possibility. At the present, there are no friends who could emphatize. I maybe stubborn or a sour grape for I don't listen to their suggestions (to move on and let go) but they will never understand the sentimentality or the hurt of being thrown out for no good reasons. Plus, I have to learn to cope again from isolation and get used to the idea that I'm back to zero.
I just started getting comfortable, working my niche work together then get busted in a snap. Well, that's too much to recuperate from for a borderline-dysthymic-and-melancholic type of person such as yours truly.
Writing, singing, listening to music, watching a movie and traveling are the only thing in this life I love doing. If I could get lost and never return to my reality that would be awesome! Maybe I should have been an actress. Why don't I contemplate on that? But acting has always been a picky business and I have a damn unattractive countenance to get qualified. The pantomime perhaps? My face would be covered up in white while my body is hugged in a tight jump suit. No one would recognize me in that get up. At least there I'll be living up to my name as 'the professional ghost'.
Just this afternoon, during my slumber, I have dreamt of seeing 2 couple having sex. The woman on top of the man (in a black and white image) and then seeing their genitalias on an up close shot, moving together, entwined. That's weird. Maybe I need to get laid, or perhaps my sexual inhibitions and frustration has prompted my brain to see them in my unconscious. For a crazy person, sometimes my id overwhelms my ego.
It seems lately that every step I take lead me one step closer to insanity. Like a string from my nerves is constantly being plucked out until I run into a complete stupor.