Wednesday, January 9, 2008

God Laughs

Much I've been reading about in journal entries from most bloggers in the world with regards to the new year's celebration was their being thankful for the past year and their new year's resolution for 2008.

This is something I cannot do for I'm half-hearted with what happened last year. Although there's a mix of joy and pleasure, 2007 was worst than suck! I'm also irreverent in writing my new year's resolution because I felt that when I want something and I swear on it by making a list the more they don't come true. They usually went from being possible to becoming not so feasible. Honestly, it crushes me to the bone.

What Jodie Foster said on The Brave One is true: when you love something everytime a bit of it goes you lose a piece of yourself.

I kinda feel that way. Most of the time. Well, maybe not the exact way she feels because my experience is completely different and it has nothing to do with losing a loved one over death. Mine is about my feelings over losing a time, a day, a month, a year and a chance to actualize my dreams. Everytime I see that happens a piece of me dissolves into thin air, and then a more sadder, cynical, complacent version of me emerges like a scar from a fresh, un-healed wound.

I've never been good in anything. I know I shouldn't complain. I know I must be thankful because I could eat more than three times a day, I have a comfortable place to sleep. I live in a house with cable TV, a PC with high-speed internet connection, a portable DVD player...and what else? I also have a cellular phone, iPod and digital camera. But I'm still so unsatisfied with my life. Maybe it's because I knew deep within me that my true desire is still yet unfulfilled.

I wouldn't deny the fact that I harbor a great amount of envy to those people who has traveled around the world. In fact, I envy those people whose parents drags them to a new country every holidays or in any given day and sees traveling as a priority and encourages their children to do it by themselves.

My parents were never interested with traveling. I hate that about them. My mother is so obsessive with staying at home all time. I hate it! Just because they were like that it doesn't mean that I'm also the same. It's so unfair that I'm being judge that way, too.

I also envy those people who has the ability or talent to become a writer but never putting their god-given talent to use, even letting it rot. I always say to myself, "if only I wasn't stricken with a language learning disorder, then probably my life is so much better."

I came to realize as well that I'm an agnostic. God is surely surrounding us, just like the devil himself, because they're obviously fu**ing with our lives. And as far as religion and spirituality is concern I don't believe in anything anymore. This life we have now is hell and if you've found happiness in the present then you might as well enjoy it because it's not going to get any better after you die. Who knows about life after death? Who can attest to it? N-O-N-E!

But at the end of day everybody expects you to be grateful and to say these words out loud, so I'm saying it now...thankyouverymuch!

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