Hopelessly Addicted / Helplessly Attracted

What's happening to me?

This sudden change has stirred confusion in me. That makes my hyperactive imagination to run non stop...with thoughts of a man, him, I wouldn't dare name.

His image bring smile to my face, and yet at the same time I am also urge by my old, guarded, cautious, guilt stricken self to erase such thoughts in my head, convincing me that what I'm feeling for this person is wrong.

I have become someone close to that Japanese anime character (Atsuko Chiba); I am slowly falling for someone who will never be the object of my desires. Surprisingly enough, I can't help but wish he would like me too. How strange, I should be hoping for the other way around, but no I want him to fall in love with me. Stupid girl! I shouldn't be taking this to heart but that's the last thing I had on my mind.

Maybe I'm attracted to him due to our differences. He is the complete opposite of me. He is fun, brimming with sense of humour, adventurous, smart, carefree, sociable, everything I hope but I could never be. Plus, he engages in debauchery and smoking (not good right) - the type of activity I would never step into, not in a million years.

Perhaps Freud's theory of Electra complex works true for me and my cousin. The latter, is currently dating some guy that is unconsciously similar to his father. And now this guy I'm talking about, he's just like dad. Maybe our father's serves as our yardstick in choosing our guy because they've been the constant, most powerful, influential male figure in our lives.

Oh no, this is all wrong. I'm not in love with him. And even if I were I should stop this once and for all before it gets too deep, before I get too attach, before I get hurt. We all know for sure that's exactly where I'm headed because I'm always bad luck when it come to relationship, most of all, love.

Sometimes being single can be too tiresome. Yup, I'm feeling that right now. Living with yourself, doing things by yourself can get trivial, too. The need to love and be love is human nature. Even if we pretend we could live without it we will fail to live up to our word and just wish, wait, wonder and hope not to be lonely no more. And just "oh god" lead us to that one person worth loving.

I don't know where this feeling I have now might lead to. He might disappear by choice one of these days. I'll probably get turned off, disappointed and rejected. Let's face the fact, maybe this was never meant to be.

How do you count the days?
Live through it with one wish that you won't wake up in the morning.
You can't even stand up from your bed.
All your desires and wants had vanished
The only thing within is to...
Put a stop to it.
Maybe that's what it means to live a hopeless, empty and lonely life.