Hopelessly Addicted / Helplessly Attracted

What's happening to me?

This sudden change has stirred confusion in me. That makes my hyperactive imagination to run non stop...with thoughts of a man, him, I wouldn't dare name.

His image bring smile to my face, and yet at the same time I am also urge by my old, guarded, cautious, guilt stricken self to erase such thoughts in my head, convincing me that what I'm feeling for this person is wrong.

I have become someone close to that Japanese anime character (Atsuko Chiba); I am slowly falling for someone who will never be the object of my desires. Surprisingly enough, I can't help but wish he would like me too. How strange, I should be hoping for the other way around, but no I want him to fall in love with me. Stupid girl! I shouldn't be taking this to heart but that's the last thing I had on my mind.

Maybe I'm attracted to him due to our differences. He is the complete opposite of me. He is fun, brimming with sense of humour, adventurous, smart, carefree, sociable, everything I hope but I could never be. Plus, he engages in debauchery and smoking (not good right) - the type of activity I would never step into, not in a million years.

Perhaps Freud's theory of Electra complex works true for me and my cousin. The latter, is currently dating some guy that is unconsciously similar to his father. And now this guy I'm talking about, he's just like dad. Maybe our father's serves as our yardstick in choosing our guy because they've been the constant, most powerful, influential male figure in our lives.

Oh no, this is all wrong. I'm not in love with him. And even if I were I should stop this once and for all before it gets too deep, before I get too attach, before I get hurt. We all know for sure that's exactly where I'm headed because I'm always bad luck when it come to relationship, most of all, love.

Sometimes being single can be too tiresome. Yup, I'm feeling that right now. Living with yourself, doing things by yourself can get trivial, too. The need to love and be love is human nature. Even if we pretend we could live without it we will fail to live up to our word and just wish, wait, wonder and hope not to be lonely no more. And just "oh god" lead us to that one person worth loving.

I don't know where this feeling I have now might lead to. He might disappear by choice one of these days. I'll probably get turned off, disappointed and rejected. Let's face the fact, maybe this was never meant to be.

How do you count the days?
Live through it with one wish that you won't wake up in the morning.
You can't even stand up from your bed.
All your desires and wants had vanished
The only thing within is to...
Put a stop to it.
Maybe that's what it means to live a hopeless, empty and lonely life.

Top Things True About Me That Most People Don't Know Or Don't Believe To Be True About Me

In Random Order:
1. I want to be a screenwriter/film director/cinematographer. Hindi lang "want", I need to be one talaga!

2. That I like fashion because I think of it as an art not the other way around. 


3. I love traveling. I can sit for hours and days in a vehicle without complaining because I like seeing new places. I love it when a journey never ends. So please...sana matupad na ang road tripping and backpacking days ko!


4. That I can survive the pressure of living alone or living in a foreign country as opposed to what my older cousin assumed since I'm used to solitary suffering and I prefer solitude. 


5. It's true that I'm afraid of heights but one of my biggest dreams is to climb Everest, Kilimanjaro, Banahaw, vice versa. That would happen if I've already found the 'one' and he's right there with me. Why? Because if I die right there at least I'm with someone I love. Awwww!!!

6. I hate confrontations, arguments and fights. I only say angry stuff to release my anger (or pent-up emotions), but I'll never fight someone who wronged me because I'm a coward and I don't take feuds very seriously. In short, I'm too forgiving.

7.  When I say I moved on believe it!

8. I have dysthymia for the past five years and I have symptoms of Asperger's disorder (or some other type of language learning disorder).

9. I'm a closet-hopeless romantic, but not in a mushy way like most girls.

10. I don't drink wine but I'm fascinated with its entire manufacturing process and those earthy looking vineyards in France, Barcelona, Santorini and Napa. That's why I want to live in a wine plantation.

11. Believe it or not, I'm not a lesbian.

12. I get attracted to men who are... intelligent (because I'm not), brimming with sense of humor (because I like to laugh and I'm not funny),confident (because I'm half-confident and half-insecure), creative and artistic (I adore the arts), well-informed (I like learning), good in math and science (that's a must because I'm dumb with numbers), likes to eat and cook foods (because I'm just the same), likes animals and cares for the environment (because I do), loves movies (because it's my life+soul and without it I'm nothing), loves music and can play a musical instrument (because it's my first love and I can't play one), loves to travel (because it's my number one passion), stands 179 cm or more (I'm short and I need to be with someone taller), financially well (because I'm impoverished), can swim and can ride a bicycle (because I can't), loves tennis, surfing and skateboarding (they are my favorite sports), a wide-reader (I like reading books). 
13. I cry like a fool (and can hardly stand it) whenever Roger Federer loses his game. 


14. If I could live somewhere it would be Paris, France because it is my favorite country and KC Concepcion has nothing to do with it. Goddamn!

15. I believe in a higher power but I don't consider myself religious.


16. I'm no longer addicted to TV. I only watch the telly for movies, news and some random shows, but I don't follow them faithfully anymore compared in the past.

17. I hate my neck region down to my collarbone area that's why I like wearing polo shirts.


18. The word 'courting' and 'dating' sounds offensive to me - I don't believe in such things.


19. My favorite Toblerone bar is dark sweet; it's the one with a darker packaging, and I hated the rest. 


20. Yes I'm a chubby-o! So what! I couldn't careless so stop minding my body and start looking at yours for a change.


21. It's difficult for me to compose inter-office memorandums.

22. Other people's mistakes and shortcomings is a no laughing matter to me because discrimination and racism really gets on my nerves.


23. I am lactose intolerant but I love cheese.

24. I hate my job but I couldn't resign because of my ongoing arrears and I'm no longer interested to work in the same field. If given the chance, I want to be a personal assistant to the celebrities so I could learn more about the business and it would open doors for me towards my true ambition, which bring us to number 1. So if any people from the entertainment industry is reading this please contact me ASAP!

25. You think you know things about me (that I'm probably a snob, a mean person, high and mighty, and vice versa), but you really have no idea because they're just a bunch of fictitious lies! What you see is just a sore case of mistaken identity - a defense mechanism thing. I'm scared of people; I'm afraid to get hurt and to be criticized for my follies so I try to avoid everyone as much as possible; it's not the other way around. So please, spare me your judgmental bullshits!

Terrible Case of Mistaken Identity

With all the Pinoy blog accounts on cyberspace that sprouted like mushrooms here and there, you'd often wonder: "What are we trying to get into? What message are we trying to send to the world?" Sometimes i thought, everyone were fascinated with KC Concepcion, her life in Paris, the oh-so-glamorous photos she took in Europe with her friends, her interesting travel adventures. It makes us want to have that kind of life, too. Where art is everywhere. Not an imposition, but a privilege for the entire human race. Everyone seems to want to follow that trend...I mean, kc's glamorous life. If you want affirmation, explore multiply and you'll know what i'm talking about. You know, that infamous "kooki blog." Hundreds and hundreds of blog with the same stories, same pictures, same rants, same gratitude.

Why pretend to be her? Why try to live the same life? Yeah...right, she's cool. If you have that much money then be free to indulge. But what's exciting by being somebody else? And if you're just an average middle-class filipino who can't even afford to buy the latest cellular phone while also struggling to make ends meet would you still believe in fantasy over reailty? Get real!

I was reading a journal entry a minute ago titled "I always wondered, now I know" from a visitor named kristinepheyre. It was actually a list of ten quirky things about herself. What surprises me, was the fact that I also shared some of her quirkiness. Honestly! To be elaborate they are nos. 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8 and 9. (to see what i'm talking about please visit this link: http://kristinepheyre.multiply.com/journal).

Just like Kristine, I want to disappear in Europe. Be away from all the people I know. My greatest dream was to be a screenwriter/photographer/filmmaker living in Paris, France or a bum getting lost or drown by all the inspiration from Europe. Please, it has nothing to do with KC. Goddamn it! I can't tell my friends or family about this because they assume I was dreaming hard to live like her. It's not always about her!!!

During the routine arguments that my mum and I used to have about my fucked up job she would ask me (with her usual angry tone) about my dream job. Unfortunately, before I can come up with an answer my fears would get the best of me. I've learn my lesson. A long time ago I've opened up to my parents about my ambitions. But the only thing I've received from them is discouragement. To cease further bouts of depression, I would tell myself that my dreams are too glamorous for us to afford, not practical, as they say, so I should work as hard as I could to achieve them with my own money. Whatever it takes. No matter how long it would take me.

I tend to be furious about those people (in particular, my friends) who has all the talent to be successful but has no interest of using it or would just settle for stupid jobs that never amount to being extraordinary. It's not about the money, because it's not always about the cash. They should know better that the skills god bestowed upon them must be put to use, must be shared, rather than be hidden in the dark.

Blessed Day In-Between Turmoil

What a day I've had!

First of all, thank you to everyone who has helped me retrieve my medium-sized envelope(Containing: a Multi-Purpose Loan Check amounting to 9,000 pesos, belonging to my officemate;  Liaison Officer's ID; Two Company ID's; Received Copy of Multi-Purpose Loan Transmittal Slip; And a membership transfer form). I don't know their names but I do appreciate their kindness for assisting me in my desperate hour of need and for not throwing that useless-looking envelope in the garbage bin. The drivers, conductors, etc...at De la Costa Bus Lines in Pacita Complex. The janitress and security guard in Pag-IBIG fund Makati Branch, Building 4 or 5 (?). THANK YOUVERYMUCH!